So late this afternoon, I decided I wanted to have a huge cry -- I didn't though. You know that feeling where you just want to sit down and cry your eyes out for no reason. I'm tired and feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. Also I feel guilty over everything.
I feel guilty at work because no matter what you do there is always more to do. I never seem to reach that satisfied feeling that "wow I accomplished something" because as soon as we finish something, it is forgotten, and people are asking for the next thing. Last year was my busiest year ever -- we hired a new trustee for our DC plans, we acquired a couple of companies and merged their employees into our plans and moved their assets, we combined a 401(k) and profit sharing plan together, we split off some of the assets from that plan and formed a new Safe Harbor 401(k) plan, etc. Huge projects from a benefit's aspect.
We worked like dogs all year long. December was awful -- nights up until 1 AM, 3 AM working on documents. I kept thinking if I could just get to January. Well, here is January and it still keeps coming. Late nights again working on things. Feeling guilty because I could be working 24/7. Yes, I wanted to sit down and cry.
I have two young children, 5 and 3 years old, that need me. When we get home, my awesome husband is making the dinner, I'm setting the table, taking laundry out of the dryer, and putting another load in (side note: how come the laundry just seems to be never ending! Every time I think I got it all done, I look in the basket and more has magically appeared). My kids are talking to me 90 miles a minute and wanting Mommy and Daddy time which they deserve. Guilt again. I'm doing necessary chores to get ready for the night/day and my kids just want to be with me. Dinner, bath, stories, bed -- same routine most nights except for swimming nights and gymnastic nights.
After they go to bed, I continue to clean up around my house. I read the perfect thing the other day by Jenny McCarthy -- when I read it, I thought she nailed it. She said "Here we are in this Rosie the Riveter picture of independent women showing up in the workplace, which is great- but what the hell were we thinking? Now we're working AND cleaning the house, and still doing laundry."
I want to be all for everyone and sometimes feel like I'm not doing so. Guilt again.
Well last night something made me happy and I thought about it today when I wanted to cry. When we put Katelyn to bed, she always does the same thing -- you will hear her shout out "Mommy I love you" and I will try to be quiet so she can go to sleep. After receiving no response, she will then shout it out over and over -- never giving up -- until I respond "I love you too." Katelyn then will say "Daddy I love you" and the same process will happen for CHH. Our Katelyn is a staller to say the least :)
Anyhow last night I heard her say "Mommy, come lay down with me." Well feeling guilty about having not much time with her in the evenings, I thought about it and went in and layed down by her on the bed. I loved it! We talked for a good 5 minutes or more. She was adorable. She was snuggled up against me with my arm around her. I asked her about school that day and what did she do. She said "I threw the ball to Ms. Leah and she threw it back to me. I caught it." Katelyn's favorite toy after 3 years is still a ball! I then asked her what else she did and she told me about throwing a ball with Ms. Jessica as well. It was great holding her and having this one on one conversation with my baby. I thought about it off and on all day today while at work.
So today, late afternoon, as stated -- I just wanted to sit down and cry. I know I'm tired. I can't even clean out my emails at work or clean my office because there is just too much to do. At home, I need to clean and put things away -- much housework.
Feeling kind of down/tired, I met CHH at home, dropped the girls off and went to a Princess Alexa board meeting tonight. As always, Wow! What a pick me up for me. I love Crys and Zack. They are great, good people. As I sat at this board meeting looking around the room at the board members, I felt happy. I laughed. Zack is a character and always makes me laugh. Crys makes me grin. Another lady, Kristi, also makes me smile with her witty comments. I looked at the ladies and gentlemen in the room and thought about what a great group of people they are. All different sorts from different walks of life but all people with interesting lives and wonderful personalities. People who genuinely care about others and making other people's lives better.
I felt good and no longer needed to sit down and have a big cry.
PS My friend in Arkansas, if you happen to read this, I delivered your dresses tonight to the foundation and again, thank you!! As always, the foundation is always thrilled/excited to receive dress up clothes for the children.
PSS I saw the dress-up closet at Children's Medical Center tonight. It is so awesome and I'm so glad kids are getting their dress-up clothes and making their days a little brighter.
PSSS See -- Ramblings :)
